This past weekend was perfect. It is already August, but it was the first weekend that has felt like a true summer weekend to me. It included lots of outdoors, good food, and lots of yoga.
Sitting in McCarren Park in Brooklyn all day on Saturday eating snacks fresh from the Farmer’s Market
The beach on Sunday
But I left you all again, didn’t I. This year has been rough – I’m not going to make any excuses though. I have unfortunately been consistently inconsistent. Combination of being crazy busy, writer’s block, and a little procrastination.
I was chatting with one of my yoga instructors on Friday evening and she reminded me of something important: Life is always changing.
I have definitely learned this over the past three years since graduating college. My final essay was about change – embracing it, welcoming it, learning from it. I wrote a bit about it the Live Beautifully tab on my blog. But I do not think I fully believed it, or understood it, until now.
I have changed a great deal over these three years in NYC. Something big has happened each year that has morphed my personality and allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. Especially this year, I think I finally hit a rock bottom in my life back in April/May when my long time life plans of working in healthcare did not workout as expected.
Right after this, I decided I couldn’t live the stressed, anxiety ridden, always in control life I had been. It was taking it’s toll. I thought after coming to this realization at the beginning of May, that I was already happier and rebuilding. While I was, it was silly of me to think that healing and re-evaluating my life would happen that fast. Basically overnight really.
I was writing, and focusing, on all the positive things coming my way, so it was hard to believe that I was not happy and fine now. Externally I was happy and excited about these positive, very serendipitous opportunities. But internally, I was still trying to convince myself. Yes great things were coming my way, but really I was feeling like a failure at my life still.
Ever since I was young, I was going to be working in the hospital, helping people heal. That was always the goal. Now after my third round apps, and things again not going to plan, it looked like my life long goal was not going to happen. But that was always the plan – even with the detour and delay to work in research, a career in the clinical setting was always the end point.
Now what? I am just a failure and a burden now to everyone, especially bb. He is working hard to secure a future, while I do not even have a goal, or plan anymore. Not to mention, I come strapped with financial baggage as well….
Plus – the weight thing was/is moving at a super frustrating snails pace despite all my best efforts, and me getting a pretty damn clean bill of health from my doc. It has killed me to have to pass on fitness invites and events. As well as, taking this whole year off from doing things I love like lifting, spinning, running. Last year, I had planned to spend 2012 training for my first mini triathlon. Now it is August – and I’m still “rebuilding.” What the hell??? Another failure.
So there you have it. I hadn’t told anyone of these struggles. My internal voices kept going back and forth between the good – ”Everything happens for a reason. I will take life as it comes. I am excited about these new ventures.” and the very bad – ” I’m basically a failure at everything I wanted for my life.”
I finally had a break down of sorts, and let it all out to bb a couple weeks ago. I think that is when I finally hit the bottom. I think now I’ve been able to finally embrace the changes and realizations that my life is meant to follow a different path. I have some ideas, but the path is not quite clear yet. And I am okay with that. More than okay, I am great with it.
I now know, and believe, that change does not mean failure. This entire year, especially this summer, my life goals, values, and views have changed and developed drastically. The only thing I am certain of is the basics that I’ve always held – I want happiness in my life and to spend my life helping others to find health and happiness. I am discovering that there are ways to do that not in the hospital, and that might actually be better suited for me, and that I am infact happier doing. One avenue for that is my blog, which is why I started it. The one thing I truly love, which I have let fall by the wayside every time things get rough. I guess I sort of believed I was failing at everything else, so why bother?? Not acceptable at all.
I can only hope that I stop suffering these inconsistencies. I’ve “promised” before, so I’m not going to promise now, but I am going to promise to consistently deliver my best when I am here. I can honestly say I owe most of these changes to blogging and the blog community. I want nothing more than to give back to blogging at least a fraction of what it has given me.
Thank you incredible friends for reading and joining me on this crazy adventure that is life. If there is one thing to take away from my experience: Do not succumb to failure. There are no failures in life. It is just the universe telling you it is a time for change, growth, transition to something better.
Cheers! And Happy August!!
Recipes, life insights, yoga talk, and the big changes to follow